Thursday, 19 July 2012

To Meera, Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad !

An open angry letter, to Meera from Cocktail.

This is a spoiler, but so is Meera (you get the drift!)

Yo Meers,

I would have written last week, but I was too busy being hurt on account of Deepika. So, I refrained. But the high road and making nice is not where I’m at.

As a result, this is my vicious, open letter to you on the internet.

You suck !!

*Dammitt* I promised myself, I would lead with a logical argument.

The thing is, Meera, every story starts at the beginning. You were once the blubbering girl, in the loo of a wasted diner. You were also chilling on the curb of Heathrow’s smallest exit. You were also, homeless, friendless and clearly without any survival skills. Basically hon, you were dead meat.

Let’s ignore the, ‘what was she thinking’, when D took you in. She clearly believed, that despite her parents being AWOL, most other people were decent and deserved decency back. You set her straight there, didn’t you ?

Other than the odd dusting around the house, which ANY room mate with a sense of responsibility will do, salwar kameez notwithstanding, you didn’t really contribute much. D, on the other hand, publically humiliated a guy who was a jerk to you. You said he was a jerk. She believed you, and demonstrated what standing up to someone looked like.

You continued to purr and hiss at her new boyfriend. A guy, you claimed to hate and despise, and D who you claimed was your sister. Don’t worry, your feelings were nouveau schizophrenic, we get that ! Anyway, said jerk, says THREE nice things to you on a beach, when his REAL girlfriend is wasting Cape Town sunsets indoors. You promptly make big, Bambi, love eyes at him. Wearing your risqué-st playsuit, you decide to dance with abandon to what should really be D’s song !

Main hun hi nahi iss duniya ki ?!? REALLY !

(Aside-  This constant eye rolling is getting in the way of furiously pounding the keyboard !)

Like, the real hero of this movie, D decides to leave her toy boy with you. Faith, love, goodness implicit. Of course, when the cat is away, Meera will play.
Please don’t even try to innocent, small town yourself, that the beach dance wasn’t intimate. But, that’s what you did.  And when you finally kissed, you did the “oh, no, what just happened, this kiss completely blindsided me.”

I think the Kiss was the real climax of the story.

I waited for you, Meera, to recoil, in horror, disgust, shock and repeat “how could I do this?!”.
 Or, fling yourself off the scenic cliff for being the WORST FRIEND EVER.
Seriously, that would be an ok storyline for me too.
You, of course, discussed logistics with Gautam and seeing obvious operational problems like “aaj tum uske room mein sote ho, kal mere room mein aa jaogey”, you decided it was a no go.

You promptly return to your happy London pad, and resume dusting. Since, scriptures do say, “Clean dust and thy cheating ass shall be forgiven”.

Again, the key point was not that Meera and Gautam kissed. Fine, I’m from the 21st century and aware of the “shit happens” code. But, it would be truly lovely if you could man up and TELL YOUR FRIEND. When Gautam tries to do the honest thing, of at least telling the poor girl, you go all,  “oh no, stop! Please don’t *whimper whimper*”

The story is long, and I am out of patience to recount your scummy ways. But, here is where I disagree. While the on-going debate on morality and sluts vs good girls is fine for Cocktail.

The real debate should be

Why did the bad scummy friend get away with it, in the end?
Meera- stop cleaning book shelves and clean your moral code!

I expected, elaborate diatribes on the terrible friend Meera was!

So, dear Meera, repeat after me,

No matter how hot, I think my roommate and best friend’s , almost middle aged, semi balding boy toy is. I will not go after him. If I do, I will tell her. I will not be a passive-aggressive person, currently competing for Most Ungrateful Person Ever.



  1. But why did D Pad act all cool when Gautam told her whats going on that table and then act all bitchy when she got drunk later?!

    1. Ashwin, BECAUSE, she tried to let it go, but come on, her roommate goes behind her back and she is not allowed a drunken outburst? Or Anger? And nothing, she said post the club was 'bitchy'.

      She stated the truth, is all. That her friend was ungrateful and broke her trust. Don't you guys have an implicit bro code too? Except she stated the truth under the influence of alcohol and while wearing a hot dress- those things don't 'bitchy' make.

    2. ya right, when they wanted to have a mature discussion about it, she didn't say anything. tab ke tab clear karna tha.

      and NO, in my opinion you are not allowed a DRUNKEN OUTBURST!

    3. in your opinion??? dont care...dont mind!!
      One thing that baffles me is this - if Saif and Deepika's characters are essentially the same, why this ending? where did the malnutritioned alien (main hoon hi nahi iss duniya ki) meera come in between....specially getting a wake up call after just one shot where she goes twinkle twinkle with her eyes singing "main hoon hi nahi iss duniya ki" just after she had emphatically said "I really hate you"
      oooh meera spare me the horror of such innocence and naivety!!

  2. Ashwin,

    1. They didn't WANT to have a mature discussion about it. Girl called Meera, wanted to keep the slight indiscretion, shut forever
    2. When your best friend is going around sucking face with your boyfriend- you're allowed more than a drunken outburst. You're allowed time to process your feelings, you're allowed infinite hate and you're allowed to feel jaded at the person you let into your home and heart.
    So, good for DP she gave a drunken outburst, I'd have reacted with an even more violent punch.

    1. 1. If you remember, she DID want to have a private conversation with Gautam, before Gautam splurts everything out on that table.

      2. Deepika only realizes Gautam's importance when Dimple Kapadia says, "ladki tu acchi hai, bas kapde dhang ke pehna kar" and all that family life she suddenly starts to crave. When they had started their relationship, it was only because Gautam is good in bed and its so cool to have a smart hunk grab your ass in a nightclub in London.

      Amongst all the commotion, I think its Gautam to blame rather than Meera. And what about Meera's decision to leave them alone and go back to India.

    2. haha...i dont get it...r u on Meeras side or u against Veeru paajis character....
      coz honestly "i really hate MEERA"
      at one point the way she was behaving with Veeru paaji i thought there could be some lesbian action as well.....infact i am sure, if instead of Gautam if it would have been Veeru paaji during the sunset sequence the single shot, of diluted alcohol she consumed, would have taken the better of Meera and her tempestuous side would have taken control....oooh that would have been a justified ending....anyways she ignored Ran-deep and her almost could be father Gautam....
      Meera crying 150ml of brine and confessing her love for Veeru paaji....Gautam watches in horrified silence. When he comes to, Gautam realizes that it's the best thing ever. He now has two reasonably hot lesbian roommates.
      Who says one in hand is not worth two in the bush....hahaha...LMAO!! this is COCK-TALE only!! actually theres one more justified name #ifyouknowwhatimean

  3. 1. That's the flaw. She should be having private conversations with her best friend. Its the classic debate Ashwin, if your girlfriend were to cheat on you with your best friend- who would you be more mad at? Ok, both. But didn't your friend owe you more.

    2. Also, I think Meera only liked Gautam after he threw 2 words at her, and the next day kisses him. Until the day earlier, she hated him and he was a pig.

    I don't think Gautam is worth all this fuss over, anyway. What I do stand for- Meera was a shitty friend to Deepika. And the way she behaved was more telling of her character than any person Deepika was "bedding".

    Lets agree to disagree :)

  4. Agreed to disagree!

    but what eyes, Meera. Any guy would be bowled over :)

  5. Yeah. Now we know why ashwin is so unbiased towards meera.

    I agree with kakul on all counts. Tum nahi samjhoge ash.

    ps kakul you have outdone yourself. While being absolutely true, its also *hilarious*. Love it.

  6. Thank you Mads. High praise and all that :D