Thursday, 10 January 2013

Baby It's Cold Outside

Relevant Lessons I learnt in Winter

Everything in life is a lesson.
Don't believe me? Ask someone who didn't have something go the way they wanted, they will lecture you about the lesson, and then you will just wish you'd believed me anyway.

Most people who know me will tell you, I don't deal well with the cold. This is true both at a metaphysical level (I'm all sunshine, etc) and the physical level (My body turns against me when it's cold. It refuses to get warm and insists I indulge it in a co-dependent relationship with socks and my blanket). This winter, I have learned many lessons. Valuable things which I might forget by March and thus need to chronicle.

1. Albert Camus was wrong. 

He was the guy who famously said, “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
I'm willing to bet a lot of money this came to him as he strode around his centrally heated home, in shorts (See, that's another valuable nugget about me- if I don't like you, I will make you a character who wears shorts and sleeveless tshirts.)

In the depth of winter, I have realized there lay within me, an ability to spend large chunks of time without moving. I can lie so still in my spot, it will fool coyotes.
My spot is : my bed with a blanket (which serves as a bed sheet), me in the middle and three comforters on top. Yes, I have a blanket sandwich and I am proud.

2. Winter is a terrible time to socialize. Which means someone should shift New Years Eve to a more bearable seasonal zone. The only ones who benefit from 31st December are the Aussies, and with the holey Ozone Layer above them, they deserve this break !

It's awkward meeting people in December. 
I will stare unblinkingly at your coat pocket, desperately trying to guess whether your hand is glove-less and cold or warm and snuggly. I will respond to a glove-less hand with a yogi Namaste. And if you look warm, I will hug you for extended periods of time until I have satisfactorily stolen your body heat.
This is the reason networking or job interviews in December are a bad idea !

3. Bakeries and coffee shops have something to do with why it's so cold.
Think about it.
No dessert ever tastes as good, as when your fingers are frozen and your mind is inching towards dementia/shut down. Voices in your head encourage you to believe that an overdose of sugar will fix everything.
It will my precious, it will, another bite of the Banoffee Pie will make it all ok.

I have written to Michael Moore, he could do an expose on this.

4. Offices/ Work must shut down
It's pretty simple, people are affected from S.A.D, which makes them SAD. Less work will make them HAPPY. Hence, proved.

5. Winter fashion is a hoax.
Every time you decide to go outside, you will want to over correct for Mother Nature.

Do you think you can stylishly layer, and casually wrap a snood/muffler in this satanic weather? Or will you wear sweater upon sweater, or *shudder* thermals?
No mirror will tell you the truth- A Yak looks more dignified, and no another coat will simply not fit over the other two you already have on !

Photo Credit: Here

6. Winter is a bad time to take decisions.

Seriously, think about it. 
There you are, in your spot. Your brain suitably addled and numb with sugar, festivities making you lonely and wondering if you will ever see the sun again. This might make you take desperate measures

Like calling Albert Camus and screaming into the phone " Showww me your invincible summer, you liar. Liarr, liaarrr shorttss on fireeee"
Or, calling anyone and saying " I will marry you, if you buy me dessert"
Or sending group texts, "We will all die anyway. Go ahead, LOL on that now!"

It's a bad time. I need you to slide back into your spot. Bury yourself in your blanket and wait for March.